Eulogy to a Moth

We found it dead in our daughter's bed

It was light as a feather

And we wondered whether there were any words

To say, with which to pay our respects

To this creature, on that would barely feature

In our day to day lives

One which only ever arrives

With the sun down, light switched on

A true fly by night on paper wings

This airborne goth

Sleep well, little moth

Hoping

Hoping
For a Christmas
Getting together with
Those we love and care about most
Hoping
For a winter
With a family kept safe
And no gruelling home schooling
Hoping
For a new year
Getting out and about
A return to normality
Hoping
Hoping...

NaPoWriMo Day 15 - "Joking"

The prompt:

And now for our prompt (optional, as always). Today’s prompt comes to us from Juan Martinez. It asks you to think about a small habit you picked up from one of your parents, and then to write a piece that explores an early memory of your parent engaged in that habit, before shifting into writing about yourself engaging in the same habit.

I struggled with this prompt at first, as I could not think of any real habits that my parents had, let alone one that I could pick up from them. It took a few hours of not thinking before I realised that something I share with my dad is the ability to come up with jokes or puns about pretty much anything and in any situation. So here's the poem:

My Dad has a joke
For just about any situation
One's that he's heard
Or puns off the cuff
And the puns are not puny
I do the same
It can lighten a mood
But it is also defensive; a shield
If they laugh at the joke
They are not noticing me
The real me
I can hide outside a conversation
Until a joke presents itself
But I never present myself
I wonder if he does the same..?

NaPoWriMo Day 13 - "Stegosaurs"

The prompt:

And now, on to our (optional) prompt. Today’s prompt comes from the Instagram account of Sundress Publications, which posts a writing prompt every day, all year long. This one is short and sweet: write a poem in the form of a news article you wish would come out tomorrow.

A much more open prompt today which allows for a bit more leeway. I could have gone with easy ones like "World Peace", "End of Covid" etc, but I decided to go for something a little less serious. My eldest daughter is a massive dinosaur fan, so what would thrill her and in turn be something the rest of us would enjoy? Well, the discovery of a Stegosaurus! Enjoy:

In the deepest jungle
Where people have rarely been
Something quite extraordinary
Has recently been seen

This find is unexpected
And you'll wonder if it's true
But surely you'll believe us
By the time we're through

An animal we thought long extinct
Turns out to be alive
It's a wonder that for all this time
It has managed to survive

So here it is, with plates and spikes
And walking on all fours
We present the discovery
Of the last of the Stegosaurs!

NaPoWriMo Day 9 - "Toddler To-Do"

Today's  prompt:

Our (optional) prompt for the day is to write a poem in the form of a “to-do list.” The fun of this prompt is to make it the “to-do list” of an unusual person or character. For example, what’s on the Tooth Fairy’s to-do list? Or on the to-do list of Genghis Khan? Of a housefly? Your list can be a mix of extremely boring things and wild things. For example, maybe Santa Claus needs to order his elves to make 7 million animatronic Baby Yoda dolls, to have his hat dry-cleaned to get off all the soot it picked up last December, and to get his head electrician to change out the sparkplugs on Rudolph’s nose.

Well, as I sit at my desk to work I see my 1 year old constantly walking up and down and getting into mischief. So that had to be my inspiration to go with today's prompt. I quite enjoyed this one, and it made me think a lot about how much toddler's repeat their actions during the day and how they flit from one thing to another. Here's the poem:

I'll look through the glass
Check out the trains
Shriek and steam up
The window panes

I'll bend to the floor
Pick up a book
Tear out a page
Without taking a look

I'll climb up the sofa
Fall down with a thump
Howl for a second
To make my Dad jump

I'll go to my cars
And have a little play
Fiddle with the sockets
Until I'm hauled away

Toddle up and down
To the window again
A squirrel, a cat
Then another train

Pick up a book
Or maybe a block
Chew at a toy
Then pull at my socks

I'll wait until Mum
Has a hot cup of tea
Then squat for a poo
And maybe a pee

Back to the window
Sofa once more
Slide off backwards
Down to the floor

Now I'll have a snack
And I'll feel quite sleepy
Whine for a bit
Get happy, then weepy

Oh! It's time for my nap
So I'll pick up a pot
Swap for my cuddly
And lay down in my cot.

NaPoWriMo Day 6 - "Questions"

Today's prompt:

Finally, here’s our daily (optional) prompt. Our prompt yesterday asked you to take inspiration from another poem, and today’s continues in the same vein. This prompt, which comes from Holly Lyn Walrath, is pretty simple. As she explains it here:

Go to a book you love. Find a short line that strikes you. Make that line the title of your poem. Write a poem inspired by the line. Then, after you’ve finished, change the title completely.

I have to say that this was a bit of a tricky prompt. We don't have a huge amount of books at home, as we tend to borrow from the library. We have far more children's books than adult books and so I chose one of those, one of the favourites in the house, "Superworm", but I won't tell you the line that I chose as I think it somewhat defeats the object. Anyway, here's the poem:

I stopped believing in the magic
I grew up and it went away
The world became hard and real
There was nothing to do or say

As if the spark was bundled up
And chucked into the bin
Wizards, witches, all the spells
The hope that lay within

But I was mistaken, it was always there
And I'd just failed to see
All of the amazing things
That this fantastic world could be

The magic is now rekindled
Right there, in my children's eyes
In all of their questions
The what's, the where's, the why's

Honesty & A New Challenge

I will be completely honest; the last few months have been extremely tough for me mentally.

I was probably just about getting by last year when the pandemic first broke. It wasn't easy to adjust to working from home, the kids being home and a new baby in the house but the sun was out mostly and it was a novelty.

Then the kids went back to school, bringing with it a new set of challenges - namely walking the 4 miles to and from school twice a day, but the exercise was welcome and again it was manageable.

However, when the schools closed again and this time they were expected to work from home too, it was much tougher. Trying to concentrate on work when they both needed either assistance or inspiration or mostly motivation was really hard. This was added to a baby who had learned to walk and was attempting to climb onto everything and pull down everything within his (very long) reach.

Added to this, the kids were missing their friends and were tired of being tied to the house with us and each other (especially being jealous of baby brother) - and the weather was really crappy too. It has been extremely intense.

I had hoped that the return to school would improve things, but the kids are still exhausted of being at home at weekends and evenings that they are still really difficult to parent and things remain intense. I think if my mental health was in a good state to begin with, then things might not feel so hard now, but my mental health has never been great.

I have always suffered from low self esteem and anxiety related to that, so that, especially when the schools closed a second time, I was trying to be there for everyone else and feeling bad that I couldn't. I felt that I needed to be working, helping the kids home-school, looking after the baby, helping my wife with home chores...and to be honest I am probably close to burn out now...My wife thinks I'm already there.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to read, but I've found it impossible to sit down with a book and not been able to relax at all. It's also made it impossible to be creative. The best I have managed is an adult sticker book, but even that has been too much at times.

Coming to terms with all this has been difficult, but it has helped to admit it. I have requested professional help, and I have also come across a NaPoWriMo challenge which I plan to do during April. The fact that it comes with prompts will hopefully help as I am short of ideas right now, but at least it will be an opportunity to put thoughts elsewhere, even for a short while.

So look out for some new poems coming in April.

Thanks for reading this long, and honest post.

Take care & stay safe.

A Limited Peace

Well, at least things didn't kick off too much in America following the inauguration last week. Nothing has been reported anyway.

Back home, the chaos of home schooling continues, with some days extremely stressful indeed. Especially since you don't really know how hard to push or what is expected of your child to be able to do. Although watching them at work does give you a bit more of an insight into their strengths and weaknesses.

Indeed, it gives you an insight into the strengths and weaknesses of the class teachers as well and without naming names some certainly have more weaknesses than strengths.

The baby has been awkward over the last week. It's probably another of those developmental things, especially coming in the last few weeks before he turns one, but he's woken up far more in the evenings than he was, meaning less relaxation time and sleep for my wife.

He's walking so much more though (and picking up speed), and his play is definitely getting a lot more focussed. He's started making animal noises when playing with particular one's - bee (buzz), tiger (grrr) - as well as making vroom noises with a car.

I've certainly been fortunate across the last year to be able to work from home and see him develop, something I never really got with the other two. Things which always happened when I was at work, I now get to see first hand. He's also just as happy giving me a hug at certain times, whereas the girls just wanted mummy. They are still a bit like that too and sometimes refuse to let me even try to help me with things.

Peace is a limited thing at the moment, confined to when they're all asleep, or in those brief moments when they are concentrating. In some ways I think the world is like that too right now. We are all getting over Christmas, but when February comes and the awful death toll of Covid and Brexit start to bite here in the UK, and the Trump supporters have regathered in USA, I think things will sadly heat up again.

In other news, it actually snowed today - albeit briefly.

Protest is quiet
But the atmosphere prickles
A limited peace

Though it never lasts for long
A limited peace
Floating gently to the ground

A limited peace

The kids are quiet

Snowflakes are quiet

Homeschooling, Trump, and Two Poems

So, the homeschooling began this week. In a positive sense both the kids want to learn, however Isabel wants to do the whole term in a day and gets jealous when Freja gets attention, meanwhile Freja (with her limited vocabulary) needs a bit of extra help with explaining things.

All this is going on with the 11 month old trying to pull everything down, or clinging to us or screeching.

And all this going on with me working full time after having taken a lot of time off over Christmas.

Meanwhile, the Covid situation seems to be getting worse. I've read figures saying that 1 in 30 within London have tested positive, whilst the national figures have topped a thousand for four days running. It's pretty scary really. With the transmission rates being so much higher, I'm amazed that the lockdown is so much more lax this time around. 

The local car dealership appeared to be open today when I went out of a walk which amazes me. I mean, who wants to buy a car during a pandemic anyway?

But we're coping despite being exhausted and in a brain freeze. So, here's the first poem.

Pacing chocolate intake with no means of escape
Laying on the couch, trying not to stay in shape
Anxiety is the new normal state
Grilling Twitter for the latest Covid update
Understanding that there are better ways to live
Empty tank with very little left to give

If all of this wasn't enough, the crazy goings on happening in America just seem hard to fathom. How can it be that a President can be allowed to whip up this sort of situation of gangs breaking into the Capitol and attempting a coup?

It's not something I could ever imagine happening here, even by someone like Farage. It's going to take a long time to heal the wounds over there (and here of course) and across most of the world. 

We definitely appear to be heading into some sort of crunch position. Either humans are going to bring about some sort of cataclysm which only a few (or any) will survive, or we will find a way to pull back from the brink and maybe into a fairer world - one can only hope.

In light of this it was pleasing to see Trump removed from social media channels. Although, they themselves have to take some of the blame for the world being in the position it's in, for not blocking people's channels before this. There is so much hate being peddled there by so many, and yet they are allowed to carry on - some still denying Covid of course.

All this inspired another poem, another acrostic.

Tweeting no more lies to incite

Riots that attempted to

Undermine the democratic process

May we be thankful that his

Presidential days are almost over

Take care & stay safe

Christmas Dreams and Fears

Do you dream of bright wrapped boxes
Full of expensive gifts?
Or do you fear your kids going without
If you don't get those extra shifts?

Do you dream of that after dinner feeling
Contented and well fed?
Or do you fear for another Christmas
Without a roof over your head?

Do you dream of seeing the family
How your nephews have all grown?
Or do you fear that your help won't come
Elderly and all alone?

Do you dream of falling snow
A blanket cold and white?
Or do you fear for rising seas
A world ready to ignite?

Do you dream of getting Brexit done
A nation strong and free?
Or do you fear for the vulnerable
Cast aside like human debris?

Day at the Museum

I recently took my eldest to the Natural History Museum (for the second time). She had an interest in dinosaurs a year ago, but it has grown stronger over the last year. However, the funny thing is that her fascination has rekindled the love of dinosaurs that I had when I was a child. I can't help but wondering if this is something that other parents have noticed when their kids start taking interest in something that they loved as children?

They have a great bit in the museum where you can look at and handle real fossils, bones, animal skins and shells, and the people help out by asking questions. They also don't provide the answers, so they just let the kids think about it, using their natural inquisitiveness to bring out good ways of thinking. Here, my daughter showed off her dinosaur knowledge of Stegosaurus (her favourite) and Spinosaurus.

We also saw a great show about oceans, the creatures that live in them, and how we have to look after our environment to ensure that animals survive. We also saw Sophie the Stegosaurus and had a good look around the dinosaur gallery, where again my daughter showed she had more knowledge about dinosaurs than some of the other kids there.

She was also thrilled to see Andy's clock from Andy's Dinosaur Adventures and Andy's Prehistoric Adventures (both Cbeebies programmes).

Anyway, all this dinosaur stuff has inspired a dinosaur poem:

In the morning I trapped a Velociraptor

While on my way to work

It caught its claws

In the closing doors

And the train driver went beserk

Later my tour bus was a Brachiosaurus

And I sat astride its neck

Standing tall

At the palace wall

We made the Queen a nervous wreck

I practiced judo kicks with Archeopteryx

In the local park

With feathers flapping

And sharp beak snapping

All the dogs began to bark

Then I foiled a con with Iguanadon

We came to an old man’s aid

The thief he paled

At the thumb spike wailed

And fell to the floor and prayed

I planted crops with Triceratops

When the farmer was unwell

He used his horns

To dig out the thorns

But his dung made an awful smell

I taught some phonics with a Baryonyx

At one of the local schools

But parents complained

That it hadn’t been trained

And must be against the rules

I rowed the Isis with some Coelophysis

Though they struggled with the oars

But as a team

They picked up steam

And we won the coxless fours

Going Down The Diamond

I'll start by saying that this is kind of a companion piece (although not at all planned) to my wife's recent blogpost - at least in terms of the fact that it relates to school.

My daughter's school has this thing called "The Diamond". If you behave well, or do good work then you go up the diamond. This all sounds great so far. But if you behave badly, or do something against the rules, then you go down the diamond. Suddenly sounding not so good.

But it get's worse. If you finish in the lower parts of the diamond then you can be sent to the headteacher, or even miss playtimes. Yes, they stop children being able to exercise and get fresh air!!

Reason's for going down the diamond can be for talking or hitting (kind of OK, but some children just don't conform well the the strict rules of keeping still and quiet for long periods of time at school, and they shouldn't be punished for this).

Apparently you can also go down the diamond if you don't get changed fast enough after PE!

There are better ways of encouraging children, without completely throwing their mental health out the window. But it's symptomatic of the way's we deal with people generally who are slightly outside the narrow field of what it conservatively "normal".

People with alternative lifestyles, people who identify as LGBT, or even ethnic minorities within a fairly heterogeneous population are often selected against through various cultural processes or expectations.

Obviously as parents there is not much we can do to change school practices, only try to explain to our daughter that we love her for who she is and the school diamond isn't going to have any effect on that. But it will take time.

Here is my poem for this post:

The

Fear in

My daughter’s

Eyes at the thought

Of dropping down the

Diamond; A system to penalise

Those less able to conform to the rigidity

Of the classroom; In the way we take money from

Those less able to fill in a Universal Benefit claim form; Or

Ostracise those who do not identify with binary

Gender; Or think less of those whose

Skills lie with their hands instead

Of their brains; We should be

Inclusive and encourage;

But like diamonds

We all have

Flaws

Abortion Rights

As a man I really struggle knowing what it is I can say, or be allowed to say, when it comes to abortion rights for women, since it is not something that my body will ever have to worry about.

However, I know that denying women and girls the chance of abortion, on the basis that once an embryo has begun it deserves more rights than the person carrying it, is wrong.

There are so many reasons why safe, legal abortions are good. From controlling population growth, to the physical and mental health of women, to reducing the burden that is unwanted children, both on families and on a society.

And it simply comes from elements of the population wanting to have complete control over others, to have power over them for the simple reason that it scares them to be without it.

Men and patriarchies have controlled the world for so long, that now they are beginning to see a hint of a swing against them (for let’s be honest, for all the emancipation, women’s lib and #metoo, barely anything has changed), they are acting to reverse even the most minor changes.

I read that we all have bodily autonomy over whether we would want to provide a blood transfusion to someone, in order to save their life. Our dead bodies have bodily autonomy, when it comes to organ transplants, again in order to save another life. However, women will not have that bodily autonomy when they are pregnant, just in order to save a small bunch of cells.

This perfectly describes the double standards at work, without even going into the ability to own a gun and how many lives are destroyed by that weapon on a daily basis.

My hope is that these recent episodes of curtailing abortion rights become nothing more than an outlier, when we look back upon the history of equality. However, my fear is that it is the embryo of something far more sinister.

As such I have been inspired to two poems for this post:

Poem #1

Barely a foetus

Unknowing; unaware 

Potential in a bunch of cells

Thousands of women

Desperate; in fear

Living their own personal hell

Twenty five men

In full control

Keeping control for themselves

Poem #2

Beginning to grow

But not yet formed

Still in an embryo

Nourished and warmed

By right wing powers

And the patricarchy

Gaining new life

By mother's misery

For those who will suffer

And that reason alone

It should be aborted

And never condoned

Waiting

Being a parent is difficult. Being a parent can be frustrating. One of the biggest lessons you can learn is to pick your battles, as sometimes you are always going to be onto a loser. Especially if you are tired, or the kids are tired, or you're both tired.
There are often times when the kids are sitting on the potty, maybe just before you're about to go out, or you are going to do something in particular. And they are there for a looooonnnnng time! They might read a book (or lots of books), or fiddle about with a particular toy.
For them sometimes, it's not just about having a pee or a poo, it's some sort of exercise in calming down or centring themselves. And if you try standing there with a wipe in your hand, thinking it's just going to be a thirty second pee, then somehow you end up making it worse.
On other occasions, usually when it's time for bed, they suddenly have a burst of wanting to play. Be it doing some sticking, or drawing or playing with a particular toy. Again, it ends up being pointless demanding that they stop and begin letting you get them ready for bed as you both end up getting angry or frustrated, the night time routine draws out, there are tears and they take longer to settle.
That's not to say that you let them do what they want, but sometimes it's best just to take a bit of a back seat, do something for yourself in the way they are doing something for themselves, and in end you find you are all a bit more calm and in more of a listening mode.
It's taken me six years to work this out, and here is a poem I composed this acrostic the other day while musing on this subject, while watching my almost six year old fiddle about with some colouring pens:

Wilfully ignoring instructions
Acting up at bedtime
Ideas about what she wants to do
Trump what she needs to do
I'm waiting her out
No point getting angry or frustrated
Getting my 'me time' now

Starting Again

I'm back on the blog!
I've been away for a while, mostly because I felt pretty burned out mentally and had nothing really in the tank for writing words or poems - or anything much to be honest.
But I've had a chance to spend some time not thinking, and then a little more thinking, and am ready to start again.
This has also coincided with beginning to write a diary, since May 1st. It seemed an apt date since it is connected to Spring and new beginnings.
I have always been able to keep up with writing a diary while on my travels, and yet at home and doing normal things, it has always been a struggle. I'm not completely sure why. Perhaps it's because similar things happen every day, whereas when you travel you are always coming across something new, or a new experience.
Perhaps it's to do with not being able to set aside time, whereas when you travel there is always down time when you can have a coffee and think about what is going on. Perhaps it's just some sort of mental block.
Either way, I'm trying hard to keep at it and have even thought about some times in the day when I know I will be able to jot down a few words.
In a similar way, I've been thinking about this blog more. For a long time it has simply been poems, with the odd thought and a few more photo's thrown in, but I want to bring it back to something closer to a diary, but with some poems accompanying what I write.
Hence the new tag line "Thoughts of life and family; reformed into poetry".
So, keeping on the subject of how I want this blog to pan out, and mixing it into new beginnings, here is a Haiku to start:

A Spring beginning;
For rhythms of life laid out;
In weekly verses

Magic

She think's that I'm magic
That it's in my fingertips
When I make a pom-pom disappear
There is wonder on her lips

She thinks I have the answers
To each question that comes to mind
That I know just where to turn to
That there's nothing I can't find

She thinks I have the strength
When I spin her high in the air
That I can shoulder burdens
When confiding in me her cares

She knows that I'm her Daddy
That I'm always there for her
Protecting; Loving; Supporting
In whatever should occur

Tired

Standing in front of the coffee

That only one of us will drink

Staring at the red reflected bubbles

We have no thoughts to think

Too tired from two coldy kids

Nights laid too long awake

Blocked up noses in the early hours

On call without a break

And now the seasons close up around

We're up before the sun

Dark envelops body and soul

No light for Summer fun

Our energy levels are twisted

They're crumpled up in a ball

And with blank paper and empty pens

We feel our creativity stall

Family

We are a family
A family of four
Two kids, Mum & Dad
There aren't any more

Unless you count Grandad
Then that'd be five
But we can't add Grandma
As she's no longer alive

Then more grandparents
Both of them abroad
And uncles, aunties, cousins
They can't be ignored

Ours is just a subset
Of a bigger family
A twig, on a branch
On a much grander tree

Despite differences
We are all really one
Earth's family
In the light of the Sun

Musical

When the sky is as dark as a fugue
The rain drumming a staccato tattoo
The wind whispering through the trees
My heart still sings a love storm to you.

And when the shines out like an aria
With the sky cloudless and clear as a bell
The love in my heart hits crescendo
From your Over the Rainbow spell.

Wealth

Our wealth is what we treasure most
It is the things that we hold dear
Whether cash or property to boast
Our wealth is what we treasure most
Or friends and family to host
And to lose gives us cause to fear
Our wealth is what we treasure most
It is the things that we hold dear