Honesty & A New Challenge

I will be completely honest; the last few months have been extremely tough for me mentally.

I was probably just about getting by last year when the pandemic first broke. It wasn't easy to adjust to working from home, the kids being home and a new baby in the house but the sun was out mostly and it was a novelty.

Then the kids went back to school, bringing with it a new set of challenges - namely walking the 4 miles to and from school twice a day, but the exercise was welcome and again it was manageable.

However, when the schools closed again and this time they were expected to work from home too, it was much tougher. Trying to concentrate on work when they both needed either assistance or inspiration or mostly motivation was really hard. This was added to a baby who had learned to walk and was attempting to climb onto everything and pull down everything within his (very long) reach.

Added to this, the kids were missing their friends and were tired of being tied to the house with us and each other (especially being jealous of baby brother) - and the weather was really crappy too. It has been extremely intense.

I had hoped that the return to school would improve things, but the kids are still exhausted of being at home at weekends and evenings that they are still really difficult to parent and things remain intense. I think if my mental health was in a good state to begin with, then things might not feel so hard now, but my mental health has never been great.

I have always suffered from low self esteem and anxiety related to that, so that, especially when the schools closed a second time, I was trying to be there for everyone else and feeling bad that I couldn't. I felt that I needed to be working, helping the kids home-school, looking after the baby, helping my wife with home chores...and to be honest I am probably close to burn out now...My wife thinks I'm already there.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to read, but I've found it impossible to sit down with a book and not been able to relax at all. It's also made it impossible to be creative. The best I have managed is an adult sticker book, but even that has been too much at times.

Coming to terms with all this has been difficult, but it has helped to admit it. I have requested professional help, and I have also come across a NaPoWriMo challenge which I plan to do during April. The fact that it comes with prompts will hopefully help as I am short of ideas right now, but at least it will be an opportunity to put thoughts elsewhere, even for a short while.

So look out for some new poems coming in April.

Thanks for reading this long, and honest post.

Take care & stay safe.

A Limited Peace

Well, at least things didn't kick off too much in America following the inauguration last week. Nothing has been reported anyway.

Back home, the chaos of home schooling continues, with some days extremely stressful indeed. Especially since you don't really know how hard to push or what is expected of your child to be able to do. Although watching them at work does give you a bit more of an insight into their strengths and weaknesses.

Indeed, it gives you an insight into the strengths and weaknesses of the class teachers as well and without naming names some certainly have more weaknesses than strengths.

The baby has been awkward over the last week. It's probably another of those developmental things, especially coming in the last few weeks before he turns one, but he's woken up far more in the evenings than he was, meaning less relaxation time and sleep for my wife.

He's walking so much more though (and picking up speed), and his play is definitely getting a lot more focussed. He's started making animal noises when playing with particular one's - bee (buzz), tiger (grrr) - as well as making vroom noises with a car.

I've certainly been fortunate across the last year to be able to work from home and see him develop, something I never really got with the other two. Things which always happened when I was at work, I now get to see first hand. He's also just as happy giving me a hug at certain times, whereas the girls just wanted mummy. They are still a bit like that too and sometimes refuse to let me even try to help me with things.

Peace is a limited thing at the moment, confined to when they're all asleep, or in those brief moments when they are concentrating. In some ways I think the world is like that too right now. We are all getting over Christmas, but when February comes and the awful death toll of Covid and Brexit start to bite here in the UK, and the Trump supporters have regathered in USA, I think things will sadly heat up again.

In other news, it actually snowed today - albeit briefly.

Protest is quiet
But the atmosphere prickles
A limited peace

Though it never lasts for long
A limited peace
Floating gently to the ground

A limited peace

The kids are quiet

Snowflakes are quiet

Homeschooling, Trump, and Two Poems

So, the homeschooling began this week. In a positive sense both the kids want to learn, however Isabel wants to do the whole term in a day and gets jealous when Freja gets attention, meanwhile Freja (with her limited vocabulary) needs a bit of extra help with explaining things.

All this is going on with the 11 month old trying to pull everything down, or clinging to us or screeching.

And all this going on with me working full time after having taken a lot of time off over Christmas.

Meanwhile, the Covid situation seems to be getting worse. I've read figures saying that 1 in 30 within London have tested positive, whilst the national figures have topped a thousand for four days running. It's pretty scary really. With the transmission rates being so much higher, I'm amazed that the lockdown is so much more lax this time around. 

The local car dealership appeared to be open today when I went out of a walk which amazes me. I mean, who wants to buy a car during a pandemic anyway?

But we're coping despite being exhausted and in a brain freeze. So, here's the first poem.

Pacing chocolate intake with no means of escape
Laying on the couch, trying not to stay in shape
Anxiety is the new normal state
Grilling Twitter for the latest Covid update
Understanding that there are better ways to live
Empty tank with very little left to give

If all of this wasn't enough, the crazy goings on happening in America just seem hard to fathom. How can it be that a President can be allowed to whip up this sort of situation of gangs breaking into the Capitol and attempting a coup?

It's not something I could ever imagine happening here, even by someone like Farage. It's going to take a long time to heal the wounds over there (and here of course) and across most of the world. 

We definitely appear to be heading into some sort of crunch position. Either humans are going to bring about some sort of cataclysm which only a few (or any) will survive, or we will find a way to pull back from the brink and maybe into a fairer world - one can only hope.

In light of this it was pleasing to see Trump removed from social media channels. Although, they themselves have to take some of the blame for the world being in the position it's in, for not blocking people's channels before this. There is so much hate being peddled there by so many, and yet they are allowed to carry on - some still denying Covid of course.

All this inspired another poem, another acrostic.

Tweeting no more lies to incite

Riots that attempted to

Undermine the democratic process

May we be thankful that his

Presidential days are almost over

Take care & stay safe

Out of Lockdown

Who wants to be out of lockdown?

Because we can't end this too soon.

Our safety is in the hands of a clown

Who wants to be out of lockdown,

Without a care if we swim or drown,

They're shooting for the moon.

Who wants to be out of lockdown?

Because we can't end this too soon.

Cummings and Goings

The comings and goings

Of Dominic Cummings

Appear to be clear

And incredibly damning

Yet Boris and the Cabinet's

Mouths are clamming

Tightly, in shell-shock

Backing, not sacking

The PM's advisor.

Whichever way yo spin it

You cannot disguise a

Blatant infringement of rules

When we've locked down at home

And they've closed all the schools.

But here is a man

Who has taken a trip

Over two hundred miles

Without barely a dip

Of his head in shame

Not taking the blame.

The leadership that

The government is showing

Is abject at best

And Cummings should be going.